.......THERE ARE. NO WORDS. FOR MY FEMINIST RAGE.
I hate that this commercial is forcing me to defend pubic hair, a concept which I am totally opposed to. THANKS GUYS. THX FOR MAKING ME BE THE VOICE OF PUBIC HAIR.
ugh ugh ugh.
You know what I'd be perfectly thrilled to never, ever EVER talk about again?
The fact that I don't drink alcohol.
I bet you thought I was going to say my absurd eating habits (true, but I'm used to it, and they are genuinely bizarre) or my myriad tales of relationship woes (no way I love talking about that shit).
But no. It's the booze.
Why is it so fucking fascinating that I don't drink? Why does it make people so uncomfortable? No one thinks not snorting cocaine is weird! Or not smoking weed (even though I occasionally do this because seriously I'd be boring without some kind of substance as a vice)! Why is it, then when I'm forced to explain my lack of intoxication, people feel the need to say "I wish I could do that" or "That's okay" or, most often, "WHY?"
Yes, it seems like they're trying to be nice but that's not, in fact what's happening. The first response means they are jokingly pretending they are alcoholics, "OHHH I wish I could do that, would save me a lot of trouble *winkwinknudgenudge*" oh, yes haha, your wasted life and demi-alcoholism truly tickles my funny bone. I always want to say "haha yeahhh, you know you don't have to be a drunk imbecile, people like you are part of the reason why I don't drink. I have 3 alcoholics in my family, truly hilarious right? What if I were an alcoholic, how awkward would you feel right now?"
I'm not actually this offended or upset as this answer would indicate, not even a little, not by a mile, but making people uncomfortable makes me feel all warm and tingly inside.
The second response suggests that they are trying to show me that they *accept* and are *a-ok* with me not drinking. Justifying and legitimizing my actions as it were. Because, when you're not doing what everyone else does, but people ~somehow~ still enjoy your company, they feel this weird need to vocalize their acceptance of your oddity. This is the least annoying response for some reason, because it means thet they just don't know how to react which, as someone with severe social retardation, I get.
The third response, an either incredulous or truly puzzled "WHY?" makes me squirm. Because I have a complete inability to answer this casually by saying "It's just not my thing." No, once my mouth is open a stream of oversharing word vomit pours out. "Well I um I'm terrified of throwing up, like TERRIFIED. I'd genuinely rather die, no seriously I mean that. And I can't stand the idea of losing even the slightest bit of control, like, ever. And I just never want to be that girl, you know? That drunk girl that everyone makes fun of? And if I'm this annoying sober, I just feel like I'd be a totally intolerable drunk. And there's some alcoholism in my family which makes me kind of "meh" towards the whole thing, and I guess it doesn't help that my ex was an alcolhic and was really horrible to me. But it's whatever."
*facepalm*
Then there's the inevitable person in every group ever who decides that they will the The One. The one holy being, handpicked by the Barley and Hops Gods to get my ass drunk. They have been chosen and they will not disappoint the almighty beings of Boozin. Except that, no. I've gone this long without drinking or even wanting to drink, why is some random person I've usually just met going to be the one to break me down, like deep inside I've wanted to drink all along but was too proud or something? Or that I'm so weak-willed that the first (or 900th) person who decides to get me sloshed is going to succeed? No. The worst part of this is that people who have attempted this also include my mother (who had good and adorable intentions), 3 of my exes, and several other friends and family members. Good job guys, good job.
But here's the point of all of this, because, astonishingly there is a point aside from how annoying it is to have to constantly explain why I don't drink. The point is that if you'e ever hung out with me in a group of people whose company I actually enjoy, and they are all drinking and having a grand old time, you would never, and I mean *never* know that I wasn't drinking along with thim, aside from the fact that I never start to slur and ~usually~ don't take my top off. And that, minions, is because I can have fun, and be a goofy asshole, and lower my inhibitions a little and get caught up in the moment without drinking. And it's not even hard, or intentional. It just happens when I'm surrounded by fun, drunk people. And I always have a great time, and I never wake up with vomit in my hair, an invisible vice on my head, and a mysterious boy in my bed. This obviously doesn't work when I'm around people I don't really know or like, and that's fine with me, because you can't win them all.
And despite my bitchy tone, here's the even better part: I LOVE DRUNK PEOPLE.
Repeat: I LOVE THEM.
I don't care if you drink around me, please, do! You are fun and hilarious, and I promise you, cross my heart and hope to die, that just because I'm not drunk and will remember everything that happens that I will not judge you, and I will never repeat the things you tell me when you are drunk. I know a few people who can attest to this, or they would, if they remembered the things they had told me.
Which they don't.
But I'm not telling.
The fact that I don't drink alcohol.
I bet you thought I was going to say my absurd eating habits (true, but I'm used to it, and they are genuinely bizarre) or my myriad tales of relationship woes (no way I love talking about that shit).
But no. It's the booze.
Why is it so fucking fascinating that I don't drink? Why does it make people so uncomfortable? No one thinks not snorting cocaine is weird! Or not smoking weed (even though I occasionally do this because seriously I'd be boring without some kind of substance as a vice)! Why is it, then when I'm forced to explain my lack of intoxication, people feel the need to say "I wish I could do that" or "That's okay" or, most often, "WHY?"
Yes, it seems like they're trying to be nice but that's not, in fact what's happening. The first response means they are jokingly pretending they are alcoholics, "OHHH I wish I could do that, would save me a lot of trouble *winkwinknudgenudge*" oh, yes haha, your wasted life and demi-alcoholism truly tickles my funny bone. I always want to say "haha yeahhh, you know you don't have to be a drunk imbecile, people like you are part of the reason why I don't drink. I have 3 alcoholics in my family, truly hilarious right? What if I were an alcoholic, how awkward would you feel right now?"
I'm not actually this offended or upset as this answer would indicate, not even a little, not by a mile, but making people uncomfortable makes me feel all warm and tingly inside.
The second response suggests that they are trying to show me that they *accept* and are *a-ok* with me not drinking. Justifying and legitimizing my actions as it were. Because, when you're not doing what everyone else does, but people ~somehow~ still enjoy your company, they feel this weird need to vocalize their acceptance of your oddity. This is the least annoying response for some reason, because it means thet they just don't know how to react which, as someone with severe social retardation, I get.
The third response, an either incredulous or truly puzzled "WHY?" makes me squirm. Because I have a complete inability to answer this casually by saying "It's just not my thing." No, once my mouth is open a stream of oversharing word vomit pours out. "Well I um I'm terrified of throwing up, like TERRIFIED. I'd genuinely rather die, no seriously I mean that. And I can't stand the idea of losing even the slightest bit of control, like, ever. And I just never want to be that girl, you know? That drunk girl that everyone makes fun of? And if I'm this annoying sober, I just feel like I'd be a totally intolerable drunk. And there's some alcoholism in my family which makes me kind of "meh" towards the whole thing, and I guess it doesn't help that my ex was an alcolhic and was really horrible to me. But it's whatever."
*facepalm*
Then there's the inevitable person in every group ever who decides that they will the The One. The one holy being, handpicked by the Barley and Hops Gods to get my ass drunk. They have been chosen and they will not disappoint the almighty beings of Boozin. Except that, no. I've gone this long without drinking or even wanting to drink, why is some random person I've usually just met going to be the one to break me down, like deep inside I've wanted to drink all along but was too proud or something? Or that I'm so weak-willed that the first (or 900th) person who decides to get me sloshed is going to succeed? No. The worst part of this is that people who have attempted this also include my mother (who had good and adorable intentions), 3 of my exes, and several other friends and family members. Good job guys, good job.
But here's the point of all of this, because, astonishingly there is a point aside from how annoying it is to have to constantly explain why I don't drink. The point is that if you'e ever hung out with me in a group of people whose company I actually enjoy, and they are all drinking and having a grand old time, you would never, and I mean *never* know that I wasn't drinking along with thim, aside from the fact that I never start to slur and ~usually~ don't take my top off. And that, minions, is because I can have fun, and be a goofy asshole, and lower my inhibitions a little and get caught up in the moment without drinking. And it's not even hard, or intentional. It just happens when I'm surrounded by fun, drunk people. And I always have a great time, and I never wake up with vomit in my hair, an invisible vice on my head, and a mysterious boy in my bed. This obviously doesn't work when I'm around people I don't really know or like, and that's fine with me, because you can't win them all.
And despite my bitchy tone, here's the even better part: I LOVE DRUNK PEOPLE.
Repeat: I LOVE THEM.
I don't care if you drink around me, please, do! You are fun and hilarious, and I promise you, cross my heart and hope to die, that just because I'm not drunk and will remember everything that happens that I will not judge you, and I will never repeat the things you tell me when you are drunk. I know a few people who can attest to this, or they would, if they remembered the things they had told me.
Which they don't.
But I'm not telling.
Instead of writing a big long post about the 9,000 emotions chaotically boxing each other inside of my chest, I will let an actual published writer describe almost all of them for me, much better than I ever could:
"In this moment she felt that she had been robbed of an enormous number of valuable things, whether material or intangible: things lost or broken by her own fault, things she had forgotten and left in houses when she moved: books borrowed from her and not returned, journeys she had planned and not made, words she had waited to her spoken to her and had not heard, and the words she meant to answer with; bitter alternatives and intolerable substitutes worse than nothing, and yet inescapable: the long patient suffering of dying friendships and the dark inexplicable death of love---all that she had had, and all that she had missed, were lost together, and were twice lost in this landslide of remembered losses."
"In this moment she felt that she had been robbed of an enormous number of valuable things, whether material or intangible: things lost or broken by her own fault, things she had forgotten and left in houses when she moved: books borrowed from her and not returned, journeys she had planned and not made, words she had waited to her spoken to her and had not heard, and the words she meant to answer with; bitter alternatives and intolerable substitutes worse than nothing, and yet inescapable: the long patient suffering of dying friendships and the dark inexplicable death of love---all that she had had, and all that she had missed, were lost together, and were twice lost in this landslide of remembered losses."
I have some stupid phobias. They all have some kind of rational basis, but it doesn't really make them less stupid or life-ruinous. But from now on, every time I feel bad about my phobias, I will watch this clip from the Maury Povich Show, and feel grateful that at least it's not ~PICKLES~
Words... words cannot express the lulz.
Words... words cannot express the lulz.
Over Xmas break, my mom gave me a bunch of burned CD's of old files I had on floppy disks. I finally looked at them this morning, and was immediately transported into a twilght zone-like portal to my 16-year-old brain.
It was truly disturbing.
There were, of course, many terrible, angsty poems, pretentious English essays (I wrote one about a Margaret Atwood story called "Rape Fantasies"... I was kind of ballsy, actually), and saved AIM conversations (reading how I spoke when I was 16 was maybe the worst part, because NOTHING HAS CHANGED).
But, the best part was the last file I looked at, titled "WARNING" (yes, in capslock) which I shall reproduce here, in full, to demonstrate to insane workings of my teenage brain. Most of it is just completely insane rambly nonsense, but a couple things are based in some kind of reality, though I have no idea how you can define my perception of the world at 16 "reality". It's going to be embarrassing for everyone, but I laughed so fucking hard when I was reading it that I can't let the awkwardness stop me from making this quasi-public. I included some Notes from the Future for contrast.
( You have mental problems, man. )
It was truly disturbing.
There were, of course, many terrible, angsty poems, pretentious English essays (I wrote one about a Margaret Atwood story called "Rape Fantasies"... I was kind of ballsy, actually), and saved AIM conversations (reading how I spoke when I was 16 was maybe the worst part, because NOTHING HAS CHANGED).
But, the best part was the last file I looked at, titled "WARNING" (yes, in capslock) which I shall reproduce here, in full, to demonstrate to insane workings of my teenage brain. Most of it is just completely insane rambly nonsense, but a couple things are based in some kind of reality, though I have no idea how you can define my perception of the world at 16 "reality". It's going to be embarrassing for everyone, but I laughed so fucking hard when I was reading it that I can't let the awkwardness stop me from making this quasi-public. I included some Notes from the Future for contrast.
( You have mental problems, man. )
Ok, my lj has been whinypants central for a while, because I've been feeling generally like shit. I'm here to announce that will be continuing - because I need to complain, and do it publicly. But I also need to try and not let it get to me because my anxiety has gotten hilariously bad and it's only making me feel more sick than I already did, SO:
In celebration of the fact that I am one paper away from the end of this Edward-forsaken semester, I present to you: Shit that's Awesome.
First shit that is awesome: The song "A Better Son/Daughter" by Rilo Kiley. This is some depressing shit, but it makes me feel better on daily basis, because it is the most dead on description of living with constant evil anxiety attacks. It makes me cry every time I hear it, but in this really relieved, "okay I can breathe now" way. Lyrics are behind the cut.
</div></div>
( Sometimes when you're on, you're really fuckin' on. )
Second shit that is awesome: Reading, viewing, and making fun of Twilight. I could write a 300 page dissertation (in the same amount of space Smeyers cannot even begin a plot) on all the things wrong with and accidentally awesome about Twilight, but Jess already did that in way more concise form. Regardless, my brain is officially exhausted and reading Mormon sex fantasies sounds pretty awesome. I purchased an entire pack of highlighters just to get me through all of the nonsense that will be New Moon. And the making up of "Edward Cullen 'wrote you an opera'"/"Bella Swan 'is the perfectest princess in cupcake town'" sentences is still wicked fucking funny.
Third shit that is awesome: Everything about The Lonely Island, but particularly Jorma. (and by proxy, Ontd for teaching me the ways of Jorma appreciation)
Fourth Shit that is Awesome: Snood. Remember Snood? This game is also known as "Jess' alternative to a nervous breakdown" because the mindless awesomeness of playing it combined with Klonopin is bascially keeping me sane. Download it. You will dream of Snoods.
Ok, I'm gonna go cry in a corner now because of the pain that is radiating through my body. Fuck yeah!
In celebration of the fact that I am one paper away from the end of this Edward-forsaken semester, I present to you: Shit that's Awesome.
First shit that is awesome: The song "A Better Son/Daughter" by Rilo Kiley. This is some depressing shit, but it makes me feel better on daily basis, because it is the most dead on description of living with constant evil anxiety attacks. It makes me cry every time I hear it, but in this really relieved, "okay I can breathe now" way. Lyrics are behind the cut.
</div></div>
( Sometimes when you're on, you're really fuckin' on. )
Second shit that is awesome: Reading, viewing, and making fun of Twilight. I could write a 300 page dissertation (in the same amount of space Smeyers cannot even begin a plot) on all the things wrong with and accidentally awesome about Twilight, but Jess already did that in way more concise form. Regardless, my brain is officially exhausted and reading Mormon sex fantasies sounds pretty awesome. I purchased an entire pack of highlighters just to get me through all of the nonsense that will be New Moon. And the making up of "Edward Cullen 'wrote you an opera'"/"Bella Swan 'is the perfectest princess in cupcake town'" sentences is still wicked fucking funny.
Third shit that is awesome: Everything about The Lonely Island, but particularly Jorma. (and by proxy, Ontd for teaching me the ways of Jorma appreciation)
Fourth Shit that is Awesome: Snood. Remember Snood? This game is also known as "Jess' alternative to a nervous breakdown" because the mindless awesomeness of playing it combined with Klonopin is bascially keeping me sane. Download it. You will dream of Snoods.
Ok, I'm gonna go cry in a corner now because of the pain that is radiating through my body. Fuck yeah!
Things I totally can't handle right now:
- My apparently chronic and completely undiagnosed illness(es) and the resulting number of pelvic exams I've had this year. (TMI? Oh, I'm sorry, would you like to be prodded by strangers on a tri-weekly basis instead?) So much frustration.
- People asking me if I'm feeling better - because I feel obligated to lie to make *them* feel better, and then they say "you seem better" to which I immediately need to justify myself by saying "Well, I feel worse at night" which just leads to an awkward silence. This keeps happening and I don't know how to make it stop.
- College, hi, college? Are you fucking done yet? No? Die a horrible death.
- People telling me I don't mean it when I say I can't wait to graduate or saying "don't say that!" Look, many of the people who have said this to me are people I either love a lot or like a great deal, but, guys, no. I know you are dealing with post-college, shitty-economy ennui, but I have not generally found college to be "the best years of my life" and generally passed on the whole "college experience." I want a life please. One that does not involve writing mindless papers and being surrounded by students who make me feel 85 years old because their shiny hopefulness makes my cold black heart shrivel up and die. I will miss the laziness and many, lengthy vacations, but I seriously want a real life in which I can do something other than zone out in class all day every day. Maybe that makes you happy, but it makes me miserable.
- Pushing Daisies was canceled. I need this show - it is Prozac for your eyes and my eyes are sad and not sleeping well and have lost interest in things they previously cared for.
- Christmas and its music. When will the world decide that this is the worst holiday ever and stop? Every year my Christmas gets more and more depressing and awkward and this year is looking especially promising. Plus, everyone is broke as shit.
- My friends and family suffering because of money problems, shitty jobs, no jobs, illness, general dissatisfaction, poor choices, loneliness, etc. If I disregard your problems, it's because I can't deal with how sad it makes me that you have them.
-The fact that Sarah Palin is still in the news for some reason. I said GOOD DAY Sarah.
- The first few episodes of Top Chef. They have way too many people on this show and it bothers me every season that I can't care about the anyone on it until it gets narrowed down some. I know you want to drag out the season as long as possible, but you're making my life more complicated and I find that really selfish.
- Most people. In general. STFU everyone forever.
I think my heart may have been stolen away in the night by a snark & sarcasm goblin. The sad thing is I'm pretty sure i've forgotten 10-75 other things I can't handle. It's probably best that I've forgotten them.
The weird thing is that despite all of this epic bullshit, I'm actually mostly fine and pretty upbeat. Because as soon as this semester is over I will feel so much better and also I have a few people in my life who make things tolerable and occasionally awesome so, as much as I loathe this phrase more than any other (even more than "in this day and age").... it could be worse. Hopefully that's not self-fulfilling.
Shit.
- My apparently chronic and completely undiagnosed illness(es) and the resulting number of pelvic exams I've had this year. (TMI? Oh, I'm sorry, would you like to be prodded by strangers on a tri-weekly basis instead?) So much frustration.
- People asking me if I'm feeling better - because I feel obligated to lie to make *them* feel better, and then they say "you seem better" to which I immediately need to justify myself by saying "Well, I feel worse at night" which just leads to an awkward silence. This keeps happening and I don't know how to make it stop.
- College, hi, college? Are you fucking done yet? No? Die a horrible death.
- People telling me I don't mean it when I say I can't wait to graduate or saying "don't say that!" Look, many of the people who have said this to me are people I either love a lot or like a great deal, but, guys, no. I know you are dealing with post-college, shitty-economy ennui, but I have not generally found college to be "the best years of my life" and generally passed on the whole "college experience." I want a life please. One that does not involve writing mindless papers and being surrounded by students who make me feel 85 years old because their shiny hopefulness makes my cold black heart shrivel up and die. I will miss the laziness and many, lengthy vacations, but I seriously want a real life in which I can do something other than zone out in class all day every day. Maybe that makes you happy, but it makes me miserable.
- Pushing Daisies was canceled. I need this show - it is Prozac for your eyes and my eyes are sad and not sleeping well and have lost interest in things they previously cared for.
- Christmas and its music. When will the world decide that this is the worst holiday ever and stop? Every year my Christmas gets more and more depressing and awkward and this year is looking especially promising. Plus, everyone is broke as shit.
- My friends and family suffering because of money problems, shitty jobs, no jobs, illness, general dissatisfaction, poor choices, loneliness, etc. If I disregard your problems, it's because I can't deal with how sad it makes me that you have them.
-The fact that Sarah Palin is still in the news for some reason. I said GOOD DAY Sarah.
- The first few episodes of Top Chef. They have way too many people on this show and it bothers me every season that I can't care about the anyone on it until it gets narrowed down some. I know you want to drag out the season as long as possible, but you're making my life more complicated and I find that really selfish.
- Most people. In general. STFU everyone forever.
I think my heart may have been stolen away in the night by a snark & sarcasm goblin. The sad thing is I'm pretty sure i've forgotten 10-75 other things I can't handle. It's probably best that I've forgotten them.
The weird thing is that despite all of this epic bullshit, I'm actually mostly fine and pretty upbeat. Because as soon as this semester is over I will feel so much better and also I have a few people in my life who make things tolerable and occasionally awesome so, as much as I loathe this phrase more than any other (even more than "in this day and age").... it could be worse. Hopefully that's not self-fulfilling.
Shit.
Um.
So...
The thing is....
I really like Beyonce's new song. The one about Single Ladies and how you should put a ring on it. Yeah. That's not it though....
I really like Fall Out Boy's new song......s.
Commence Hypocrisy Apocalypse:
</lj-embed>
Shit's fucking catchy. I'm gonna go read Twilight and enjoy it now, because I seriously don't even know who I am anymore.
So...
The thing is....
I really like Beyonce's new song. The one about Single Ladies and how you should put a ring on it. Yeah. That's not it though....
I really like Fall Out Boy's new song......s.
Commence Hypocrisy Apocalypse:
</lj-embed>
Shit's fucking catchy. I'm gonna go read Twilight and enjoy it now, because I seriously don't even know who I am anymore.
Let's talk about how much my body hates me. (Overshare warning. No, seriously... OVERSHARE AHOY.)
This is how much my body hates me:
Once this semester is over I am going to make a valiant effort to get my shit together. Eat better, force doctors to fix me, exercise, clean my room and unpack my shit (YUP. Still haven't done that! Been living here since August. Hey.), etc, etc. I don't know that I'll be able to do it all, but I'm going to try really hard because if I've learned anything from the past few nightmare weeks, it is this: I know what it feels like to be happy and ok. Not normal, not perfect, because that's a crazy-ass myth. But good. And there are certain people and situations that make me feel that way even right now, and I want that feeling so much more often.
I feel like if I write it down in a semi-public fashion, then I will have no excuse not to make it true without suffering (semi-public) embarrassment. The sooner it's December 17th, the better.
This is how much my body hates me:
- I am tired only when it is inappropriate to be tired. Night time is for anxiety attacks and television.
- Anxiety attacks, which I haven't had (at this level anyway) for almost a year or more, have joyously returned. They brought their friends nausea, irregular heartbeat, inability to eat, agoraphobia, and gastrointestinal nightmares with them.
- Oh, yeah, and then my actual medical problems, which are/may be anything from Endometriosis, Interstitial Cystitis (nothing that sounds like that can ever be fun), abdominal pain - which required me to go to the ER twice in 1 week and see 3 specialists. NO.
- My brain functions in such a way that when all of the above things are occurring, my ADD gets considerably worse due to being totally overwhelmed, and I become totally incapable of doing any schoolwork.
- I am retardedly vitamin deficient, yet I cannot being myself to eat meat in any form. I tried eggs for a week. Eggs are so fucking disgusting I can't even handle it. Hi, enjoy your chicken-baby protein sack of goo.
Once this semester is over I am going to make a valiant effort to get my shit together. Eat better, force doctors to fix me, exercise, clean my room and unpack my shit (YUP. Still haven't done that! Been living here since August. Hey.), etc, etc. I don't know that I'll be able to do it all, but I'm going to try really hard because if I've learned anything from the past few nightmare weeks, it is this: I know what it feels like to be happy and ok. Not normal, not perfect, because that's a crazy-ass myth. But good. And there are certain people and situations that make me feel that way even right now, and I want that feeling so much more often.
I feel like if I write it down in a semi-public fashion, then I will have no excuse not to make it true without suffering (semi-public) embarrassment. The sooner it's December 17th, the better.
To anyone who thinks our generation is lazy, apathetic, uninformed, naive, and unrealistic:
YOU'RE WELCOME FOR YOUR NEW PRESIDENT. WE FORGIVE YOU.
To anyone threatening to move to Canada (you guys know they're pretty liberal, right?), saying we're going to be the new USSR, or that Jesus will return not to bring about the kingdom of heaven, but rather to barbecue and eat our babies with special sauce and also dinosaurs will roam the earth:
STFU. YOUR MELODRAMA MAKES US SLEEPY. WE ALREADY DID THAT WHOLE "I'M GONNA MOVE TO CANADA" THING. MAKE UP YOUR OWN PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE SHIT.
To everyone who voted "Yes" on Prop 8 in CA:
I HOPE YOU ALL HAVE BEAUTIFUL, KIND, PHILANTHROPIC, WEALTHY GAY CHILDREN WHO MAKE THE WORLD A WONDERFUL PLACE AND PUT YOU IN A TOP NOTCH NURSING HOME EVEN THOUGH YOU DON'T DESERVE IT -- AND I HOPE YOU LOVE THEM SO MUCH THAT YOU HAVE NO CHOICE BUT TO HATE YOURSELVES.
To everyone who found Michelle Obama's dress questionable:
OKAY MAYBE IT WAS A LITTLE WEIRD, BUT AT LEAST IT WASN'T A PANTSUIT. SHE WENT TO HARVARD LAW, POPPED OUT 2 FREAKISHLY GORGEOUS KIDS, KEEPS BARACK'S ASS IN LINE, AND HAS A FASHION SENSE. THAT'S MY FUCKING FIRST LADY, BITCHES.
YOU'RE WELCOME FOR YOUR NEW PRESIDENT. WE FORGIVE YOU.
To anyone threatening to move to Canada (you guys know they're pretty liberal, right?), saying we're going to be the new USSR, or that Jesus will return not to bring about the kingdom of heaven, but rather to barbecue and eat our babies with special sauce and also dinosaurs will roam the earth:
STFU. YOUR MELODRAMA MAKES US SLEEPY. WE ALREADY DID THAT WHOLE "I'M GONNA MOVE TO CANADA" THING. MAKE UP YOUR OWN PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE SHIT.
To everyone who voted "Yes" on Prop 8 in CA:
I HOPE YOU ALL HAVE BEAUTIFUL, KIND, PHILANTHROPIC, WEALTHY GAY CHILDREN WHO MAKE THE WORLD A WONDERFUL PLACE AND PUT YOU IN A TOP NOTCH NURSING HOME EVEN THOUGH YOU DON'T DESERVE IT -- AND I HOPE YOU LOVE THEM SO MUCH THAT YOU HAVE NO CHOICE BUT TO HATE YOURSELVES.
To everyone who found Michelle Obama's dress questionable:
OKAY MAYBE IT WAS A LITTLE WEIRD, BUT AT LEAST IT WASN'T A PANTSUIT. SHE WENT TO HARVARD LAW, POPPED OUT 2 FREAKISHLY GORGEOUS KIDS, KEEPS BARACK'S ASS IN LINE, AND HAS A FASHION SENSE. THAT'S MY FUCKING FIRST LADY, BITCHES.
P.S. BYE SARAH.
Me and my ego have made a decision. I'm taking back Feminism.
Look, somebody had to do it.
Timeline of my awareness of Feminism:
Age 0-11: I'm a girl. I like both Barbies and Legos, and my gender has little or no significance to me. I think playing outside is pretty neat. I have a series of terrible haircuts.
Age 12-15: I'm still a girl (this is not going to change.. to my knowledge.) I think feminism is kind of a dirty word because it means bra-burning and not shaving and hating men.
Age 15-20: I'm secretly a Feminist but will vehemently deny it to anyone and still make fun of Feminism. By now I've realized it's about equal treatment, pure and simple, but the stigma against calling yourself Feminist is so bad that I lie like the weak-assed follower I am.
Age 21: Sarah FUCKING Palin sends me into fit of feminist rage from which I shant return; prompting my decision (made exactly 5 minutes ago) to take back Feminism via my internet blog read by 3, sometimes 4 people.
NEW RULES OF FEMINISM FOR LADIES AND DUDES (DUDELADIES AND LADYDUDES ALSO WELCOME)
1. Thou shalt not bitch and moan and cry sexism when being fairly criticized.
2. Thou shalt never fucking ever falsely accuse anyone of raping you.
3. Thou shalt seek equal treatment in all capacities, and if not given it or bearing witness to unequal treatment, make some damn noise about it. Also,don't limit the scope of your indignation over unequal treatment just to your own gender, race, sexuality, etc.
4. Thou shalt not tell other people what they can and can't do with their own bodies, be it abortion, sex for cash, or not shaving your armpits (no matter how gross pretty much everyone thinks it is.)
5. Thou shalt not treat the penis as the oppressor. Men are not the enemy, these days women are just as guilty of sexism as men are nearly all the time. The more you act like a victim, the more you'll get treated like one, and generalizing an entire gender as "the enemy" is insanely sexist.
6. Thou shalt not pretend to suddenly care about sexism for your own personal purposes when you have a long history of being a discriminitory asshole (I'm looking at you 90% of the Republican Party.)
7. Thou shalt not support or oppose any politician or public figure based on gender alone. (Translation: Just because Hillary had a vagina doesn't mean that because Palin has one too you should support her. COME THE FUCK ON YOU GUYS.)
8. Thou shalt be tolerant, rational, and open-minded of (and with) those who don't get it. Yelling at someone who thinks women who have been victims of rape or incest shouldn't be allowed to have abortions isn't going to change their mind, it's just going to make them more convinced that you're a hedonistic heathen. Actions speak louder than bitching.
9.Thou shalt not fake stupidity, wilting-floweryness, or incapability to get male attention. It's sad and pathetic and slanders our whole gender. Also, any guy worth a damn doesn't find that attractive anyway.
10. Thou shalt remember that there are all different types of women and men. There is no one right way to be a mother, father, have a career, whatever. No more mommy wars. Our ancestral ladies worked way too hard to get us any rights at all, don't make them look like failures by infighting about what a woman is "supposed" to do.
Ok, that's what I've got so far. It's clearly a work in progress, but I'm pretty sure CNN will be all over this by tomorrow afternoon at the latest.
Great article:
"Is is sexist to want the person flying the plane to be a pilot?"
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/kathl
SNL awesomeness:
Look, somebody had to do it.
Timeline of my awareness of Feminism:
Age 0-11: I'm a girl. I like both Barbies and Legos, and my gender has little or no significance to me. I think playing outside is pretty neat. I have a series of terrible haircuts.
Age 12-15: I'm still a girl (this is not going to change.. to my knowledge.) I think feminism is kind of a dirty word because it means bra-burning and not shaving and hating men.
Age 15-20: I'm secretly a Feminist but will vehemently deny it to anyone and still make fun of Feminism. By now I've realized it's about equal treatment, pure and simple, but the stigma against calling yourself Feminist is so bad that I lie like the weak-assed follower I am.
Age 21: Sarah FUCKING Palin sends me into fit of feminist rage from which I shant return; prompting my decision (made exactly 5 minutes ago) to take back Feminism via my internet blog read by 3, sometimes 4 people.
NEW RULES OF FEMINISM FOR LADIES AND DUDES (DUDELADIES AND LADYDUDES ALSO WELCOME)
1. Thou shalt not bitch and moan and cry sexism when being fairly criticized.
2. Thou shalt never fucking ever falsely accuse anyone of raping you.
3. Thou shalt seek equal treatment in all capacities, and if not given it or bearing witness to unequal treatment, make some damn noise about it. Also,don't limit the scope of your indignation over unequal treatment just to your own gender, race, sexuality, etc.
4. Thou shalt not tell other people what they can and can't do with their own bodies, be it abortion, sex for cash, or not shaving your armpits (no matter how gross pretty much everyone thinks it is.)
5. Thou shalt not treat the penis as the oppressor. Men are not the enemy, these days women are just as guilty of sexism as men are nearly all the time. The more you act like a victim, the more you'll get treated like one, and generalizing an entire gender as "the enemy" is insanely sexist.
6. Thou shalt not pretend to suddenly care about sexism for your own personal purposes when you have a long history of being a discriminitory asshole (I'm looking at you 90% of the Republican Party.)
7. Thou shalt not support or oppose any politician or public figure based on gender alone. (Translation: Just because Hillary had a vagina doesn't mean that because Palin has one too you should support her. COME THE FUCK ON YOU GUYS.)
8. Thou shalt be tolerant, rational, and open-minded of (and with) those who don't get it. Yelling at someone who thinks women who have been victims of rape or incest shouldn't be allowed to have abortions isn't going to change their mind, it's just going to make them more convinced that you're a hedonistic heathen. Actions speak louder than bitching.
9.Thou shalt not fake stupidity, wilting-floweryness, or incapability to get male attention. It's sad and pathetic and slanders our whole gender. Also, any guy worth a damn doesn't find that attractive anyway.
10. Thou shalt remember that there are all different types of women and men. There is no one right way to be a mother, father, have a career, whatever. No more mommy wars. Our ancestral ladies worked way too hard to get us any rights at all, don't make them look like failures by infighting about what a woman is "supposed" to do.
Ok, that's what I've got so far. It's clearly a work in progress, but I'm pretty sure CNN will be all over this by tomorrow afternoon at the latest.
Great article:
"Is is sexist to want the person flying the plane to be a pilot?"
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/kathl
SNL awesomeness:
Yeah, it's kind of like that.
Dear Everyone:
ARRRGGHHH.
So, here's the deal. Pretty much everyone is going to come out looking like an asshole in this whole Sarah Palin thing. Even me, and you, yes you fellow people who are not totally crazy and have valid reasons for why she is a terrible choice.
Palin supporters, you are assholes because you are genuinely wrong. Sure, the lady has accomplished things, and more power to her for it. However, if America elects John McCain and he dies of old age ten minutes later, the president of the United States will be Tits "I support pregnant rape victims being forced to keep their babies" McGee. And for the love of all things stop saying anyone who criticizes Palin is sexist. I mean, I probably am since I called her Tits McGee, but pretty much everyone else isn't. Calling Hillary a dyke, a man, an idiot for staying with her husband, that's sexism. Saying that a relatively new governor and former mayor of a ridiculously tiny town in Alaska who's only foreign policy experience is that her state is "close to Russia" (Thanks Cindy McCain... seriously... that was genuinely perfect) is unfit to be the VP is just cold logic.
And also I hope you enjoyed giving Obama crap for having no experience, because you can't anymore. Go cry in every room of your 13 houses while you wait for all those Hillary supporters to see your nonexistent logic. It's not gonna happen. Memo to campaign directors: Women are not retarded. Your belief that choosing Palin would woo my entire gender is a thousand times more sexist than all of the Hillary Clinton jokes ever told. Even the ones about her hair.
Everyone else, we are all assholes because of Sarah Palin's daughter... leave her alone. Yes, I know, she is literally the most perfect example ever of why all of Palin's social views, especially on sex-ed, are flagrantly outdated and ineffective. And the simple fact that she accepted the VP spot knowing that her daughter's pregnancy would be to the media like fresh blood is to a fucking Great White is pretty icky, but none of that is Bristol Palin's fault. There's no way this girl isn't amazingly freaked out right now, and there are a million and one other, more valid, things to criticize Sarah Palin over. (Example: Troopergate, pro-drilling in Alaska, her completely terrible RNC acceptance speech, flying hundreds of miles while in labor with a special needs child - because only a completely crazy person would do this. However, questioning whether a mother of a child with Down's should be the VP, even though it seems somewhat valid, is actually kind of sleazy.)
But honestly, the media saturation of all this is only helping her gain that lovely martyr glow. Chill out Republican administration-fearing dudes and ladies, this crazy train will derail itself without everyone throwing shit all over the tracks.
American media, stop making me so sad. It's really bad you guys, you're all pretty reprehensible human beings at this point, no matter which candidate you're crapping on. Even when you're right, you somehow do so many things wrong. Perez Hilton is pretty good at drawing penises on everyone's faces, he really doesn't need you to metaphorically do it for him.
I keep trying not to be an unabashed Obama fan. I used to really like McCain, but he freaked me out when he developed this new ultra-conservative Hyde personality. I just hope whoever ends up in office pulls this country out of the scary shitspiral it's in. But I'm just gonna come out and stop pretending I'm not totally in awe of Barack Obama. I am, I don't see him as the Jesus of American Politics the way that the entire media and every college student ever does, but I'm clearly a fan. I can, at best, deal with Joe Biden and his blinding teeth of democracy, but I seriously can't wait to see the VP debates. Biden's political experience could be Palin's experience's grandpa.
EDIT:
Oh man.. Jon Stewart <333. This video makes the part of my brain that registers logic explode into flames.
ARRRGGHHH.
So, here's the deal. Pretty much everyone is going to come out looking like an asshole in this whole Sarah Palin thing. Even me, and you, yes you fellow people who are not totally crazy and have valid reasons for why she is a terrible choice.
Palin supporters, you are assholes because you are genuinely wrong. Sure, the lady has accomplished things, and more power to her for it. However, if America elects John McCain and he dies of old age ten minutes later, the president of the United States will be Tits "I support pregnant rape victims being forced to keep their babies" McGee. And for the love of all things stop saying anyone who criticizes Palin is sexist. I mean, I probably am since I called her Tits McGee, but pretty much everyone else isn't. Calling Hillary a dyke, a man, an idiot for staying with her husband, that's sexism. Saying that a relatively new governor and former mayor of a ridiculously tiny town in Alaska who's only foreign policy experience is that her state is "close to Russia" (Thanks Cindy McCain... seriously... that was genuinely perfect) is unfit to be the VP is just cold logic.
And also I hope you enjoyed giving Obama crap for having no experience, because you can't anymore. Go cry in every room of your 13 houses while you wait for all those Hillary supporters to see your nonexistent logic. It's not gonna happen. Memo to campaign directors: Women are not retarded. Your belief that choosing Palin would woo my entire gender is a thousand times more sexist than all of the Hillary Clinton jokes ever told. Even the ones about her hair.
Everyone else, we are all assholes because of Sarah Palin's daughter... leave her alone. Yes, I know, she is literally the most perfect example ever of why all of Palin's social views, especially on sex-ed, are flagrantly outdated and ineffective. And the simple fact that she accepted the VP spot knowing that her daughter's pregnancy would be to the media like fresh blood is to a fucking Great White is pretty icky, but none of that is Bristol Palin's fault. There's no way this girl isn't amazingly freaked out right now, and there are a million and one other, more valid, things to criticize Sarah Palin over. (Example: Troopergate, pro-drilling in Alaska, her completely terrible RNC acceptance speech, flying hundreds of miles while in labor with a special needs child - because only a completely crazy person would do this. However, questioning whether a mother of a child with Down's should be the VP, even though it seems somewhat valid, is actually kind of sleazy.)
But honestly, the media saturation of all this is only helping her gain that lovely martyr glow. Chill out Republican administration-fearing dudes and ladies, this crazy train will derail itself without everyone throwing shit all over the tracks.
American media, stop making me so sad. It's really bad you guys, you're all pretty reprehensible human beings at this point, no matter which candidate you're crapping on. Even when you're right, you somehow do so many things wrong. Perez Hilton is pretty good at drawing penises on everyone's faces, he really doesn't need you to metaphorically do it for him.
I keep trying not to be an unabashed Obama fan. I used to really like McCain, but he freaked me out when he developed this new ultra-conservative Hyde personality. I just hope whoever ends up in office pulls this country out of the scary shitspiral it's in. But I'm just gonna come out and stop pretending I'm not totally in awe of Barack Obama. I am, I don't see him as the Jesus of American Politics the way that the entire media and every college student ever does, but I'm clearly a fan. I can, at best, deal with Joe Biden and his blinding teeth of democracy, but I seriously can't wait to see the VP debates. Biden's political experience could be Palin's experience's grandpa.
EDIT:
Oh man.. Jon Stewart <333. This video makes the part of my brain that registers logic explode into flames.
The good news is that my new macbook pro and ipod touch are sexy, sexy machines.
The bad news is that in my efforts to transfer things from my ibook to my external hard drive in order to fill my macbook with music and photos and such, I accidentally deleted, oh, about THREE-THOUSAND PICTURES.
I feel like someone killed my kitten. I don't have a kitten, but this has to be how it would feel if someone brutally murdered your kitten because you left it outside by accident and then every time you told someone of your kitten's terrible demise they just said, "that sucks."
-_-
I'm going to take my external hard drive to Best Buy and pray that they will use their voodoo magic to make my pictures reappear, but pretty much I'm just going to try and accept they are gone.
ugghh
The bad news is that in my efforts to transfer things from my ibook to my external hard drive in order to fill my macbook with music and photos and such, I accidentally deleted, oh, about THREE-THOUSAND PICTURES.
I feel like someone killed my kitten. I don't have a kitten, but this has to be how it would feel if someone brutally murdered your kitten because you left it outside by accident and then every time you told someone of your kitten's terrible demise they just said, "that sucks."
-_-
I'm going to take my external hard drive to Best Buy and pray that they will use their voodoo magic to make my pictures reappear, but pretty much I'm just going to try and accept they are gone.
ugghh
Baby Borrowers is either the best or most atrocious thing to ever grace my beloved television.
Gist: Teen couples who think they're ready for kids are put through several stages of parenting with real live children who will almost certainly need therapy later in life to wash away the filthy stench of reality television from their psyches. The parents of the children watch the teens as they "parent", nannies are on hand for if, or rather, when the teens have no idea what they are doing and flagrantly endanger the lives of the children. The whole thing is generally supposed to be a giant condom beamed into your brain from the TV tubes.
I have never yelled at a TV so much in my life. It's a combination of horror and frustration with the teenagers for their complete inability to do the most basic things, like comforting a crying 2-year-old instead of telling him to "stop acting like a little baby", and laughing at the couples for thier ridiculous immaturity and knowing that they will almost certainly all be dating someone else within a year or less.
Unfortunately, despite the series of ridiculous mistakes most of the teens make (there is one couple who actually do a pretty decent job), when the parents of the kids come to talk to them, almost none of them give the teenagers any shit for how amazingly immature and irresponsible they are. So I do it for them.
"DO NOT DRAG THE BABY BY ITS ARM. DON'T. DO NOT."
"He is CRYING because you have to FEED HIM"
"Wipe his assssss. You have to *wipe it* before you put on a new diaper you bottle-blonde tart."
"Stop yelling at the small helpless child. You are a monster."
"Stop gagging princess, it's just baby shit, not nuclear waste. Take the tissue off of your nose and wipe the diarrhea off the floor."
"Never have a child! Stop! STOP! You are bad at this!"
Most of the kids are just typically imamture for their age and will one day grow up to be perfectly semi-competent parents. This is probably why the real parents are wont to be too hard on them, especially since the teens usually own up to how hard it is and how badly they suck. The one girl who is a true and total nightmare also gets the one mom who is willing to chew her out. Instead of listening she throws a shit fit. She'll probably be pregnant by this time next month.
*sigh*
Obviously I have no clue what it's like to be a parent. And I don't want to have a clue until I'm ready to - which is why these kids scare me. You guys, you don't want a baby. You have plenty of time. Go out and do some drugs and have some illicit, ill-advised, meaningless sex and stay out until 5 a.m. and tell your mom and dad that they just don't understand and believe that your life is *so hard*.
They think they know so much but they know pretty much nothing, and thats exactly how teenagers should be. But where did this trend of teenagers thinking that babies are cute little dolls that never poop or cry or grow up to hate you come from? Didn't it used to be sort of their (our) thing to try and avoid getting knocked up by any means necessary? I don't get it.
Clipsicles:
Needless to say, I'm fucking pumped for the pre-teens and teens episodes. Schadenfreude!
Gist: Teen couples who think they're ready for kids are put through several stages of parenting with real live children who will almost certainly need therapy later in life to wash away the filthy stench of reality television from their psyches. The parents of the children watch the teens as they "parent", nannies are on hand for if, or rather, when the teens have no idea what they are doing and flagrantly endanger the lives of the children. The whole thing is generally supposed to be a giant condom beamed into your brain from the TV tubes.
I have never yelled at a TV so much in my life. It's a combination of horror and frustration with the teenagers for their complete inability to do the most basic things, like comforting a crying 2-year-old instead of telling him to "stop acting like a little baby", and laughing at the couples for thier ridiculous immaturity and knowing that they will almost certainly all be dating someone else within a year or less.
Unfortunately, despite the series of ridiculous mistakes most of the teens make (there is one couple who actually do a pretty decent job), when the parents of the kids come to talk to them, almost none of them give the teenagers any shit for how amazingly immature and irresponsible they are. So I do it for them.
"DO NOT DRAG THE BABY BY ITS ARM. DON'T. DO NOT."
"He is CRYING because you have to FEED HIM"
"Wipe his assssss. You have to *wipe it* before you put on a new diaper you bottle-blonde tart."
"Stop yelling at the small helpless child. You are a monster."
"Stop gagging princess, it's just baby shit, not nuclear waste. Take the tissue off of your nose and wipe the diarrhea off the floor."
"Never have a child! Stop! STOP! You are bad at this!"
Most of the kids are just typically imamture for their age and will one day grow up to be perfectly semi-competent parents. This is probably why the real parents are wont to be too hard on them, especially since the teens usually own up to how hard it is and how badly they suck. The one girl who is a true and total nightmare also gets the one mom who is willing to chew her out. Instead of listening she throws a shit fit. She'll probably be pregnant by this time next month.
*sigh*
Obviously I have no clue what it's like to be a parent. And I don't want to have a clue until I'm ready to - which is why these kids scare me. You guys, you don't want a baby. You have plenty of time. Go out and do some drugs and have some illicit, ill-advised, meaningless sex and stay out until 5 a.m. and tell your mom and dad that they just don't understand and believe that your life is *so hard*.
They think they know so much but they know pretty much nothing, and thats exactly how teenagers should be. But where did this trend of teenagers thinking that babies are cute little dolls that never poop or cry or grow up to hate you come from? Didn't it used to be sort of their (our) thing to try and avoid getting knocked up by any means necessary? I don't get it.
Clipsicles:
Needless to say, I'm fucking pumped for the pre-teens and teens episodes. Schadenfreude!
We're Not Alone! xkcd loves it too!
and the original commercial (again, but kudos to Jess for acknowledging it's fantasticness first) just because it's great.
I went from feeling like kind of a loser for how much I love that Discovery Channel commercial, to being really intrigued as to what it is exactly that makes it so lovable, seeing as I'm clearly not the only one. I'm genuinely interested in what makes it so great, so I'm going to throw out a few ideas:
1. Group sing-alongs, no matter how cheesetastic, release happy-making chemicals.
Musicals are awesome. So are protests. I've been to several protests and been pretty underwhelmed by the actual protesting and activism but actually moved to tears by the sound of hundreds of people yelling or chanting or singing at the same time. It may sound lame, but no matter how individual all of us like to believe we are, we all inherently want to fit in and be a part of something bigger. Also "Boom De Yada" is so ridiculous sounding that you can either grin or scowl like an asshole, and nobody likes an asshole.
2. Shit's fucked up, and appreciating the little bits of awesomeness in the world is comforting.
Les Stroud is the man. He could murder Bear Grylls is his sleep, with one hand tied behind his back, blindfolded, with a tiger at his heels, on 4 days without sleep, food or water, with a spoon. Watching him literally whisper "I love the whole world" makes me want to cry. With every media outlet on the planet scaring the shit out of me with global warming, political bullshit, oil prices, salmonella tomatoes, cancer cancer cancer, and reminding me every once in a while that that fucking Mayans were pretty sure we're all going to die in 2012 anyway *pant pant* it's nice to have an optimistic and generally sunshiny look at how cool everything actually is.
3. In the words of Kurt Vonnegut, by way of his Uncle Alex, "I urge you to please notice when you are happy, and exclaim or murmur or think at some point, 'If this isn’t nice, I don’t know what is.'"
Self-explanatory.
and the original commercial (again, but kudos to Jess for acknowledging it's fantasticness first) just because it's great.
I went from feeling like kind of a loser for how much I love that Discovery Channel commercial, to being really intrigued as to what it is exactly that makes it so lovable, seeing as I'm clearly not the only one. I'm genuinely interested in what makes it so great, so I'm going to throw out a few ideas:
1. Group sing-alongs, no matter how cheesetastic, release happy-making chemicals.
Musicals are awesome. So are protests. I've been to several protests and been pretty underwhelmed by the actual protesting and activism but actually moved to tears by the sound of hundreds of people yelling or chanting or singing at the same time. It may sound lame, but no matter how individual all of us like to believe we are, we all inherently want to fit in and be a part of something bigger. Also "Boom De Yada" is so ridiculous sounding that you can either grin or scowl like an asshole, and nobody likes an asshole.
2. Shit's fucked up, and appreciating the little bits of awesomeness in the world is comforting.
Les Stroud is the man. He could murder Bear Grylls is his sleep, with one hand tied behind his back, blindfolded, with a tiger at his heels, on 4 days without sleep, food or water, with a spoon. Watching him literally whisper "I love the whole world" makes me want to cry. With every media outlet on the planet scaring the shit out of me with global warming, political bullshit, oil prices, salmonella tomatoes, cancer cancer cancer, and reminding me every once in a while that that fucking Mayans were pretty sure we're all going to die in 2012 anyway *pant pant* it's nice to have an optimistic and generally sunshiny look at how cool everything actually is.
3. In the words of Kurt Vonnegut, by way of his Uncle Alex, "I urge you to please notice when you are happy, and exclaim or murmur or think at some point, 'If this isn’t nice, I don’t know what is.'"
Self-explanatory.
How do I do that thing where I make stuff in the post a link instead of it showing up and being all obvious about itself?
I want to do it with this, but, fuck it, I'm going to force any and all who gaze upon my lj to read this survey stolen from Meg, because my self-involvement knows no bounds.
Do you believe there's always room in your heart for your first love?
Um, ok so, I'm not sure who gets to be the first love. Is it my first boyfriend who was the first guy I said "I love you" too or is it the first person I'm absolutely positive I loved? If we're going with door number 2, I'd say yeah, but not in an "I'll always love you" way, just a soft spot for that person.
Where is the next place you will travel to?
Martha's Vineyard, which I where I just came back from. This is pretty awesome, since the Vineyard is my happy place, but my answer should be Paris.. not that I'm bitter or anything. (Jess... plane tickets? oversized duffel bags for street living? Croissants? je crains le ciel?)
Do you want to get married and have kids one day?
I'm having kids, even if I have to adopt them from various third-world countries like all of my favorite celebrities. I'll get married if it seems like a good idea and I have a spreadsheet filled with pros. This would depend on a lot of factors and probably some cajoling.
Do you curse a lot?
I apparently said "fuck" in front of my boyfriend's parents, so, um yeah. I love swearing.
Have you ever been kissed under fireworks?
gay.
Do you like ice cream?
What kind of soulless monster doesn't like ice cream?
Do you get jealous easily?
Not really.
Are you single or taken?
Taken sounds like a nicer way of the way the word "rape" can mean kidnapped (plus some sex probably). I have a boyfriend. He's pretty awesome.
Are you of great importance in someone else's life?
I really want a cat.
Do you usually sing while showering?
I would if I was home alone. By which I mean, whenever I know I'm home alone.
Do you stick up for what you believe in?
"I try to, but I can become pretty militant, so I need to be careful." Amen Meg. I'm way too opinionated, but as I've gotten older I've learned how to control my SUPER INTENSE OPINIONS meter.
Ever actually been in love?
Yes. I can't think of anything interesting to add.
Are you a really understanding person?
I think so. I feel like I'm in therapy, I can't find anything to add to this because I'm sort of inwardly questioning my own ability to be understanding and worrying that I think I'm more understanding than I am. It's a fucking survey.
It's a Saturday night, what are you doing?
Dude. Watching TV or reading probably? Maybe having some sex?
Do you like the life you're living?
Most of the time. These questions are just typical enough that I can't be creatively assholish in my response. Stop making me question my life.
If strangers looked in your closet what would they say?
Clean up your goddamn shit. Also, you like dresses, hm?
Do you have any OCD habits?
Listing them would only remind me. But my favorite, now defunct, habit was that I used to have to chew everything an equal amount of times on each side of my mouth when I was younger. If I was eating anything I would eat, say, 2 cheez-its on each side of my mouth and chew them the same number of times. Oh! And if something touched one side of my body, I'd have to touch the other side to even it out. God, there are so many more, fortunately most of the more batshit ones are gone.
Where would you like to live?
A lot of different places. That's a lame-ass answer, but listing 30 different cities, states, or countries is kind of tedious. Greece is pretty high on the list. So is California.
What kind of house would you like?
I'm starting to think I could probably do without a house for a while, unless it was somewhere pretty amazing. But I like porches and exposed beams if that helps you, because you're so concerned. clearly.
What are you doing this weekend?
Just got back from Martha's Vineyard with Bill, I don't even have a job so planning all the way to next weekend is really asking a lot of me right now.
Have you ever had anything written about you?
Like, ever? Probably? Do things I write about myself count?
Is there anyone you wish was still in your life?
A few people. There are definitely a few friends that got away that I'd prefer to have around. My grandfather was pretty damn cool as well.
Are you stubborn?
"no"
Do you find the opposite sex confusing?
No, I find my fellow ladies incredibly confusing though. What the fuck, you guys?
Are you gonna be home alone tonight?
No. Creeper.
What are you doing tonight?
Um, catching up on all the internet I missed over the weekend, playing Mario Kart, fighting off my building sense of dread over having no job or prospects.
Are you a morning person or a night person?
Afternoonish.
Are you a girly girl?
Usually not, but I surprise myself sometimes. I really love dresses and I own every episode of Sex and the City on DVD... but excluding that, I may as well be a boy. But with tits. And you know... no penis.
Do you wear a lot of makeup?
Not really, but since I cut off all my hair I find myself overcompensating in the eye-liner department.
Who are you currently frustrated with?
The forces that be that are magically preventing me from ever going to Europe. I think they're the same forces that demand that I get a real job someday. Those fucking bastards.
Have you ever jumped in the pool with your clothes on?
I feel inclined to say yes, but that may be a lie I'm telling myself. I'm pretty sure I saw it in a movie and incorporated it into my own memory.......wow.
Have you ever not been able to get someone off of your mind?
I've been having dreams about Super Mario Galaxy for about a week.
Have you ever had a good feeling about something?
"No, I've never had a good feeling about something in my entire life. What kind of asinine question is this?" I heart Meg's cynicism.
Do you have family problems?
Oh my god therapy.
How was your last relationship?
This current one is quite good.
Do you have feelings for anyone?
No, my relationship is purely one of convenience. We have an understanding. It's totally loveless.
What's your favorite color to wear?
Red. I feel like answering this survey made me more boring as a person.
I want to do it with this, but, fuck it, I'm going to force any and all who gaze upon my lj to read this survey stolen from Meg, because my self-involvement knows no bounds.
Do you believe there's always room in your heart for your first love?
Um, ok so, I'm not sure who gets to be the first love. Is it my first boyfriend who was the first guy I said "I love you" too or is it the first person I'm absolutely positive I loved? If we're going with door number 2, I'd say yeah, but not in an "I'll always love you" way, just a soft spot for that person.
Where is the next place you will travel to?
Martha's Vineyard, which I where I just came back from. This is pretty awesome, since the Vineyard is my happy place, but my answer should be Paris.. not that I'm bitter or anything. (Jess... plane tickets? oversized duffel bags for street living? Croissants? je crains le ciel?)
Do you want to get married and have kids one day?
I'm having kids, even if I have to adopt them from various third-world countries like all of my favorite celebrities. I'll get married if it seems like a good idea and I have a spreadsheet filled with pros. This would depend on a lot of factors and probably some cajoling.
Do you curse a lot?
I apparently said "fuck" in front of my boyfriend's parents, so, um yeah. I love swearing.
Have you ever been kissed under fireworks?
gay.
Do you like ice cream?
What kind of soulless monster doesn't like ice cream?
Do you get jealous easily?
Not really.
Are you single or taken?
Taken sounds like a nicer way of the way the word "rape" can mean kidnapped (plus some sex probably). I have a boyfriend. He's pretty awesome.
Are you of great importance in someone else's life?
I really want a cat.
Do you usually sing while showering?
I would if I was home alone. By which I mean, whenever I know I'm home alone.
Do you stick up for what you believe in?
"I try to, but I can become pretty militant, so I need to be careful." Amen Meg. I'm way too opinionated, but as I've gotten older I've learned how to control my SUPER INTENSE OPINIONS meter.
Ever actually been in love?
Yes. I can't think of anything interesting to add.
Are you a really understanding person?
I think so. I feel like I'm in therapy, I can't find anything to add to this because I'm sort of inwardly questioning my own ability to be understanding and worrying that I think I'm more understanding than I am. It's a fucking survey.
It's a Saturday night, what are you doing?
Dude. Watching TV or reading probably? Maybe having some sex?
Do you like the life you're living?
Most of the time. These questions are just typical enough that I can't be creatively assholish in my response. Stop making me question my life.
If strangers looked in your closet what would they say?
Clean up your goddamn shit. Also, you like dresses, hm?
Do you have any OCD habits?
Listing them would only remind me. But my favorite, now defunct, habit was that I used to have to chew everything an equal amount of times on each side of my mouth when I was younger. If I was eating anything I would eat, say, 2 cheez-its on each side of my mouth and chew them the same number of times. Oh! And if something touched one side of my body, I'd have to touch the other side to even it out. God, there are so many more, fortunately most of the more batshit ones are gone.
Where would you like to live?
A lot of different places. That's a lame-ass answer, but listing 30 different cities, states, or countries is kind of tedious. Greece is pretty high on the list. So is California.
What kind of house would you like?
I'm starting to think I could probably do without a house for a while, unless it was somewhere pretty amazing. But I like porches and exposed beams if that helps you, because you're so concerned. clearly.
What are you doing this weekend?
Just got back from Martha's Vineyard with Bill, I don't even have a job so planning all the way to next weekend is really asking a lot of me right now.
Have you ever had anything written about you?
Like, ever? Probably? Do things I write about myself count?
Is there anyone you wish was still in your life?
A few people. There are definitely a few friends that got away that I'd prefer to have around. My grandfather was pretty damn cool as well.
Are you stubborn?
"no"
Do you find the opposite sex confusing?
No, I find my fellow ladies incredibly confusing though. What the fuck, you guys?
Are you gonna be home alone tonight?
No. Creeper.
What are you doing tonight?
Um, catching up on all the internet I missed over the weekend, playing Mario Kart, fighting off my building sense of dread over having no job or prospects.
Are you a morning person or a night person?
Afternoonish.
Are you a girly girl?
Usually not, but I surprise myself sometimes. I really love dresses and I own every episode of Sex and the City on DVD... but excluding that, I may as well be a boy. But with tits. And you know... no penis.
Do you wear a lot of makeup?
Not really, but since I cut off all my hair I find myself overcompensating in the eye-liner department.
Who are you currently frustrated with?
The forces that be that are magically preventing me from ever going to Europe. I think they're the same forces that demand that I get a real job someday. Those fucking bastards.
Have you ever jumped in the pool with your clothes on?
I feel inclined to say yes, but that may be a lie I'm telling myself. I'm pretty sure I saw it in a movie and incorporated it into my own memory.......wow.
Have you ever not been able to get someone off of your mind?
I've been having dreams about Super Mario Galaxy for about a week.
Have you ever had a good feeling about something?
"No, I've never had a good feeling about something in my entire life. What kind of asinine question is this?" I heart Meg's cynicism.
Do you have family problems?
Oh my god therapy.
How was your last relationship?
This current one is quite good.
Do you have feelings for anyone?
No, my relationship is purely one of convenience. We have an understanding. It's totally loveless.
What's your favorite color to wear?
Red. I feel like answering this survey made me more boring as a person.
Ashland is making me itchy.
I've spent the past 3 years clinging to this place, almost every weekend of college spent home, and now I feel like if I don't leave soon I'm going to go crazypants.
I still love this stupid town, it was a pretty awesome place to grow up, and I have a lot of great memories here. That's the problem.
I want to live somewhere that I don't see everyone I went to high school with every time I go to the gas station. I want to drive down the street without seeing places that overwhelm me with memories. This is where I steered Frank's broken down car up the big hill while he pushed. This is where I tried to jump into Grady's car and fell on my ass. This is where Casey, Holly and I used to stuff our training bras with socks and wait for the ice cream man. This is where we used to go for bowl cruises before school.
They're mostly all good memories, I'm just ready for new ones. I'm pretty eager for some uncharted territory.
I've spent the past 3 years clinging to this place, almost every weekend of college spent home, and now I feel like if I don't leave soon I'm going to go crazypants.
I still love this stupid town, it was a pretty awesome place to grow up, and I have a lot of great memories here. That's the problem.
I want to live somewhere that I don't see everyone I went to high school with every time I go to the gas station. I want to drive down the street without seeing places that overwhelm me with memories. This is where I steered Frank's broken down car up the big hill while he pushed. This is where I tried to jump into Grady's car and fell on my ass. This is where Casey, Holly and I used to stuff our training bras with socks and wait for the ice cream man. This is where we used to go for bowl cruises before school.
They're mostly all good memories, I'm just ready for new ones. I'm pretty eager for some uncharted territory.
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